


The End Goes Back to the Start

by slightlytookish



Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-03
Updated: 2012-09-03
Packaged: 2017-11-13 11:30:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/503048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slightlytookish/pseuds/slightlytookish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He knows this armour as well as his own and yet it is strange to wear it, and not just because it reminds him of Renly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The End Goes Back to the Start

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Чтобы вернуться к началу, нужно озвучить конец](https://archiveofourown.org/works/774594) by [Lysander](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lysander/pseuds/Lysander)



> This was written for the "grief" square on my Hurt/Comfort Bingo card. It follows the TV version of Loras' role in the Battle of the Blackwater. There are spoilers for GoT S2/A Clash of Kings, and one mild spoiler for Loras' storyline in A Storm of Swords.

They can't remove the stain.

They both try; Loras first, in those earliest hours when he can't bear to let anyone else touch Renly's things, and then when his fingers turn numb and cold from scrubbing he wordlessly passes the armour to Margaery, and watches as she bends her head to the task. But still the spot remains, and finally Margaery tears one of her own dresses and patches it, covering Renly's blood with her neat stitches.

It's fitting that he should carry some small piece of Margaery into battle, Loras decides. They'd been in this together, all three of them, from the moment they'd hatched their mad plan at Highgarden. But when she finishes and holds up the jacket for him to see all Loras can think is how wrong it looks, that square of green just a shade too dark to match the soft velvet of Renly's armour. 

Margaery frowns as if she knows what he is thinking. "We'll arrange the cape to cover it," she says and Loras nods, his eyes stinging, and polishes Renly's gorget until it shines.

It's almost like being Renly's squire again. Loras can almost pretend that he is preparing Renly's things for a tournament, that he is sharpening Renly's sword for an afternoon in the training yard. The memories begin to creep in one by one, almost like the lyrics of a song in the way that one thought leads to the next until Loras is remembering everything about their lives together, all the feasts and the tournaments and the mornings and the evenings, from the moment he first met Renly in the great hall at Storm's End to the last - but no, he won't think about that now. He goes back to the start. 

But the illusion can't hold forever and eventually the sounds of the men preparing for battle trickle into his thoughts. Margaery is still there - he's sent everyone else away - and Loras finally sets aside the sword, and his memories too, and begins to dress. 

He knows this armour as well as his own and yet it is strange to wear it, and not just because it reminds him of Renly. The soft leather of the boots and gloves isn't what he's accustomed to and his legs and arms, so used to the confines of heavy plate and mail, feel strangely light and empty. He makes a fist to see the green leather stretch across his knuckles. It looks more solid than he feels.

The worst part is that everything fits so well, _too_ well, far better than it should. Loras always forgets that he and Renly were nearly the same size, and that he'd actually been the taller one for a couple of years now. Renly had always seemed larger than life to him and part of Loras thinks that the armour shouldn't fit at all; something that had been made for Renly shouldn't suit anyone so well, not even Loras. His eyes linger on the green patch, the scrap from Margaery's dress that rests right over his heart, and he has to clasp his hands together to stop them from shaking. If he looks away he can almost pretend that Renly is holding his hand.

Then Margaery is there, her nimble fingers buckling the gorget and arranging the cape around his shoulders. She has to stand on her toes to do it, and Loras remembers when he was first made Renly's squire and used to do the same, a stubborn ten-year-old too proud to find a box or stool to stand on like all the other squires did when they helped dress their lords. He remembers how he used to stretch his arms as far as they could reach to fasten all the buckles and buttons, how he used to trip around Renly on the tips of his toes, how Renly used to laugh at him, amused but never mocking. 

It makes Loras laugh now just thinking about it, but the laugh soon turns into a sob and then he's stumbling, falling into a chair and pressing his hands tight against his eyes to stop the tears.

Margaery's fingers land in his hair, combing through his curls like they did when they were children, like they did when he sat beside Renly's body. "You don't have to do this," she says, but they both know it's not true. "We could go home." They both know that they won't.

"I must," Loras says, thinking of revenge. "I want to," he says, thinking of Renly. When he finally pulls his hands away from his face his eyes are almost dry. He looks up at his sister and tries to smile. "This is the only thing I have now."

Margaery looks like she would like to say something, but in the end she just leans over and kisses his cheek. When she straightens up her eyes seem sad and Loras thinks that she understands, a little. 

She helps him hide his hair beneath Renly's helm and together they stand before the mirror to try and figure out how to fix the cape so that Loras' face will be concealed during the battle. Loras isn't much help; it hurts too much to look in the mirror and know that he's only seeing himself and not Renly. When he finally forces himself to look the effect is striking; just his eyes are the wrong colour, and no one will notice that in the heat of battle. 

"I'll see you in a few days," Margaery says, holding his hand as they cross the tent. Her fingers tighten around his and Loras hears what she doesn't say, too. _Don't do anything reckless and get yourself killed._

 _You can't kill a ghost_ , Loras thinks, but he just gives Margaery's hand a squeeze before he pushes his way out of the tent.

*

For a moment the horse thinks that he's Renly.

He rushes forward when Loras arrives, straining against the reins the squire is holding and eagerly pressing his nose against Loras' neck. Then he realises it, sniffing at him, and jerks away with a stamp of his feet. Loras can see the confusion and panic in the horse's eyes and knows exactly how he feels.

"Hush, Lightning, it's only me," he says, yanking down the cape to show his face. The horse is still agitated but he eventually calms enough to allow Loras to stroke his nose for a moment before shaking his head with a jangle of the reins and pushing hard against Loras' shoulder, as if to chide Loras for fooling him.

"Leave us," Loras says to his squire, and thankfully the boy scurries away before he notices the tears in his master's eyes. All around them men are joining their regiments for the march on King's Landing, but Loras leads Lightning away from the noise and activity and walks him in a slow circle, trying to calm them both.

"It's just us now," he says, ignoring the way his voice cracks on the words. "But we have one last thing to do for our king. Will you help me? I know I can rely on you, as Renly did. He adored you, you know." 

He feels a bit foolish, unburdening his heart to a horse, but Renly truly had loved this animal that had come so far with them on their travels, from Storm's End to King's Landing to Highgarden and now back again. Loras had always teased him about it, saying that Renly only liked Lightning because he was beautiful, but now he sees that he was wrong. Lightning is a beautiful horse to be sure, especially tonight with his white coat practically shining in the moonlight, but he's clever and reliable too. He holds his head high and proud now, and his eyes are glinting in such a way that leaves Loras with no doubt that Lightning understands that something enormous is at stake. 

"Good boy," Loras says, feeling grateful. He leans against the horse for a moment, taking comfort in another creature that Renly had loved so well, before giving Lightning's nose one last pat and swinging into the saddle. 

Lightning tosses his head, looking eager to join the others on the march. The horse is fit for a king, or at least his ghost, and Loras hides his face behind his cape once more before kicking him into a trot.

*

After the charge and the battle, and after Loras himself pushes open the heavy door and finds himself standing before the Iron Throne amongst a sea of Lannisters, he's finally able to shed his ghostly garb. 

He refuses to let his squire take the armour away to be cleaned and instead gathers all the pieces himself for safekeeping. He'll never wear it again; Margaery will bring along his own armour when she joins him in King's Landing, and soon enough he will be wearing the white cloak of the Kingsguard. He has no need of this armour any longer, and yet he has every need of it. He won't be parted from this last bit of Renly, and he studies it for a long while before he finally cradles the jacket carefully in his arms and heads to where the horses are stabled.

He finds Lightning easily and climbs into the stall to sit beside him, not caring what the staring stable boys must be thinking. "You rode well today," he whispers, scratching behind the horse's ears. "Do you think we made our king proud?" 

Lightning whinnies, and Loras decides to take that as a yes. He looks down at the armour in his lap and runs his fingers along the soft velvet, remembering all the times he'd done so in the past, before reaching for his knife. 

It takes just one quick flick to loosen the thread. He works carefully, undoing the dozens of neat stitches until the patch falls away and he can see Renly's blood again. When he rests his fingers against the stain he imagines that it feels warm and full of life, and he crushes the armour close to his chest and tries to remember how to breathe. He tries to imagine how he can go on without Renly.

Before long he feels a nudge against his shoulder and when he doesn't respond there's a sharp tug of his hair. "Stop it!" he says, jumping to his feet and wiping the drool out of his curls. Lightning nickers and Loras just knows that he's laughing at him but it doesn't matter because he's laughing, too.

"See if I'll ever bring you an apple again, you ridiculous creature," he says, but he's still smiling. It's the first time that he's laughed since the day Renly died, and here Loras hesitates, not wanting to remember any of it. But then he makes himself remember, and while it's not better or easier than trying to forget, it feels necessary somehow. He doesn't want to forget anything about Renly, not even if what he remembers causes him pain. Besides, the songs and tales that Loras has loved since he was a child always have an ending, and he knows that the only way to go back to the beginning is to sing the last verse. 

Loras gives Lightning another scratch behind the ears and lets himself out of the stables, and all the way back to his room his thoughts linger on a song, one of his and Renly's making.


End file.
